Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize