That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
