watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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