you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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