her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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