Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
