Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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