just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I deserve this hangover.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
