the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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