Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
