Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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