When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
