he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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