I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
