I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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