i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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