FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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