Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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