mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
