My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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