.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
