i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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