It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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