what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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