apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
