People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
