fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
