She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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