I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
