Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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