So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
