tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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