Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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