Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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