Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i barfeds in our rink
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
