last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
