so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
