I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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