i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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