And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
