Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
