I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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