I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
