is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Life is so much better after having sex.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I pour the whiskey from now on
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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