This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
