he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
