Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
