I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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