Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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