my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
