Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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