Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
