i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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