dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
