There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
